Okay, so I suppose I am just in the mood to write tonight. I have had so much on my mind lately that this seems to be a bit of a catharsis for me. I've been pondering my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) tendencies lately. FYI, a lot of people say, "I'm so OCD," or "that's so OCD," like it's relatively common. And, maybe it is. But, I think I have classic OCD. I've really had it since I was a child. Here's how it is manifested these days.
1. I can only eat crackers in odd numbers. Usually I have crackers in numbers of five or seven. Yeah, it's weird. I think something bad happened one day when I ate four saltine crackers in like ninth grade so I stopped eating them in even numbers.
2. Each night, I have to check my alarm clock an odd number of times, but not thirteen. It is repetitive every night. Matt can confirm this. I just do it until it feels right. Usually 11-15 times. I'm terrified that it won't go off. I guess I could get wise and use my phone, or put batteries in my alarm clock. I don't know why I haven't yet.
3. I used to fluff my pillows three times before laying down at night. I've stopped this recently. Not sure why I stopped, but I don't feel weird about it.
4. I find myself checking the windows at work more than normal in the afternoon before I leave. I'm concerned that I may accidentally leave one open. I am also concerned with making sure the faucet to the sink is off, even if it hasn't been used.
5. In general, often I have a hard time picking out things. For instance, I bought a new keychain recently. This was months in the making. I kept wanting a new one but I was afraid that it might bring me bad luck if I got one. Finally, one night it just felt right so I took the plunge. Something so trivial and I must say, I've thoroughly enjoyed my new keychain. The same with my wallet. I've carried the same wallet for over a year and I was hesitant to change it for fear that something bad may happen. I changed it on Sunday. I kinda miss my old one but I love the new one too! I don't know why I have a hard time picking out things. I mean, it's a Brighton keychain and I love it, but it shouldn't be a big deal. Even in the store, things have to be flawless or I can't buy them. I was like that as a kid. If the box didn't look perfect, I couldn't do it.
6. Over the shoulder for luck with the salt. I think it's an Italian thing. Maybe I learned it from Rachel Ray. Every time I use the salt, I have to throw some over my left shoulder for luck. Hey, I need all the luck I can get.
What's got me thinking lately is, what would happen if I didn't do these things? Anything? When you have OCD, or in my case, I hope it is just borderline OCD, you have recurring thoughts. These thoughts are often the worst-case scenario type. For instance, in my mind, if I don't make sure the faucet is off, the entire office will flood and I will be accountable. If I don't check my alarm an odd number of times, it won't go off and I will be late for work and get fired. Just crazy things like that. Often, you can't shut your mind off. You think things that you know will never happen but you can't convince yourself of that.
I must admit, it's been a whole lot better in the last couple of months. I'm trying a new approach. I'm generally trying to be more laid back about things. I tell myself, "It's done, stop." It seems really trivial, but it can consume a lot of time. I'm just wondering, what if I stop all of it? Will the earth shatter? Probably not.
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